


Low-key Full Boyle

by smooth_operaptor



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe, Bachelorette Party, Drunk Amy, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Jake Peralta: Confirmed Bisexual, Jake is a Stripper, No one is a cop, Slow Burn, Texting, more like Strangers to Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-08-30 05:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8519527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smooth_operaptor/pseuds/smooth_operaptor
Summary: He was a stripper. She worked for the New York City government. Can I make it anymore obvious? (maybe one day I'll get back to this. I felt like shit a year ago and just never got over the ensuing writers block with this one)





	1. Overture

**Author's Note:**

> finally managed to write my first b99 fic. this show has consumed my life.  
> shout-out to that one peraltiago fic where something happens. It's a series and I haven't read it yet but its summary inspired me.  
> I'm trying to write as much as can in this verse but updates will be pretty slow. Also this is unbeta-ed  
> Thank all of you for reading this! Have a lovely day and stay safe~

They first met at Amy's best friend Kylie's third favorite cousin's bachelorette party. It was a pretty standard affair as far as these things went and Amy only tagged along out of courtesy to Kylie, but it was fun, all things considered (of course Amy had considered _all the things_ she wouldn't go into this with too many unknown variables).

It was still early in the evening and they'd only just started to get tipsy. Their laughter was probably louder than it needed to be, but who cared about the neighbors, right? (Amy did. Amy cared whether they would get a noise complaint or not. A significant part of her already drafted a formal letter of apology. Also she worked for the government, she couldn't allow herself to be arrested over something so trivial.)

Anyway. Of _course_ , she was _definitely_ having _fun_! Amy was just _such_ a _fun_ and _outgoing_ person - ugh dammit, her italics were a sham and she knew it. She just had to make sure to stay under two drinks and things would work out fine. Out of all the women in this room, she only trusted Kylie with her weird drinking habits.

She definitely did not need to starr in some viral video titled 'Assistant to the New York City Comptroller gets TURNT'. Again. (What bothered her most about that video, actually, was the combination of the impeccable spelling of her job title and the egregious use of 'turnt'.)

So far she hadn't touched any alcohol so she still had some leeway. 

"Amyy! Get yourself a drink, my cousin came up with the perfect drinking game!", Kylie shouted far to close to her ear. "We'll play 'never have I ever' but keep it down with the sexy times stuff. Gotta keep it PG for a while you know?"

No, Amy really did not know, why would the game need to be PG when they were all adults (and she begrudgingly counted herself as one too, she needed to woman the hell up), but she wanted to fit in with these girls so she would go along with anything they wanted.

The game eventually dissolved into aimless drinking and giggling when the focus somehow turned to embarrassing situations involving their partners. Granted, they were all hilarious, but everyone got drunk way too fast. Amy gladly stayed put and sipped on her beer once in a while. She felt more secure as a listener.

Somehow, the conversation petered out and everyone stared at Amy. "Sssooo Amy darling, you've been awfully quiet over there. Was goin on with you? Why no stories bout your bf? Too shy or too boring? C'mon, spill!"

Oh no.

"Um-", was all she could get out. Damn, she had drunken more than she thought if she was already getting this loopy. This was bad; a Santiago simply does not flounder. They may carp, but floundering was against their nature.

She cleared her throat and threw a quick glance at Kylie. That evil toad of a best friend seemed to enjoy herself immensely.

"I don't have a... um, that is to say, I am single? So, no stories from me for now, I'm sorry." She wanted to fit in with the girls but this was too personal, she barely knew them! Amy tried for a grin. It fell flat on the group.

She looked at Kylie for help, but this time she only got a look that basically said "Don't fuck this up for the two of us, you need to meet more people, go on, open yourself, make friends" from her. Her eyes were surprisingly _expressive_.

But whatever, she could try. Amy Santiago was a tough woman who could get through anything. Including a low key awkward party with virtual strangers; excluding dogs. Why did they have to be so hairy?

"Ok, let me think. How about the date with my mom's dentist? I thought he was going to feed me some dessert, but he actually shoved another spoon in my mouth and examined my teeth. Right there in the restaurant", she said and noted the group's tentative smiles, "Yes! I knew it; I can be relatable! -wait, did I say that out loud? Oh no..."

One of the bridesmaids (another one of Kylie's cousins) leaned forward and patted Amy's arm. Through the uproarious laughter she shouted, "Yuor alright, amy,,. your a shweet girl!" Amy cringed, she could practically hear the typos in her slurred speech. But before she could answer, much less correct shweet-girl's grammar, the door bell rang.

'Oh shit, it's the cops!', was her first thought, 'I should've told them to keep it down. This is all Kylie's fault!'

Well, she wasn't exactly wrong.


	2. Meet-cute

A hush fell over the room. Granted, there were some giggles here and there, but mostly, a hush. Amy could always appreciate a good hush. It was miles better than that headache-inducing drunk laughter. She couldn't form one single thought like that. Now, her mind went into overdrive.

None of the other women seemed scared, or shocked, or displeased, or indeed anything else than drunkenly content. A sense of anticipation hung in the room. They were throwing knowing glances at each other, the door, and, weirdly, Kylie.

Oh no. This felt like high school all over again, and unfortunately not like the tests and book reports (aka the fun part), but like lunch time in the cafeteria or a sleepover she miraculously got invited to. Which was to say - not good. Everyone else always knew exactly what was going on and seemed all too happy to talk about it behind Amy's back.

Also, she didn't have a boyfriend then, either.

'Amy! Get it together, man. This is _not_ the time for this', she scolded herself.

That wasn't good. Her thoughts were buzzing around her head like a bunch of lovelorn bees. Was she supposed to say something? Was it on her to save all of them from jail time? She shouldn't have drank that beer...she couldn't protect them from the cops!

How much money did she have and was it enough to bribe them? The element of surprise wouldn't give her enough time to throw them out the window... and to think about the repercussions if she got caught. Her boss would definitely shake his head at her and furrow his brows slightly. Maybe even cross his arms. Oh no, she could get fired if she killed someone. And yeah, there were some moral objections, but come on, she tried to take this seriously!

But alllright, maybe she should take the high road. A good opening statement was everything in this kind of situation. She could appeal to the cops' basic human decency. Or intimidate them by virtue of her position. God, the things she would do to get her hands on her laptop right now... although it was so bulky and heavy and the battery died too quickly, she didn't even have Word 2010 on it yet, she really needed to get to that-

'Focus, Amy! You can't think of that now, what about the cops in the hallway who came to arrest you for being too drunk and awkward at a nice party where no one deserved that and why is _no one doing anything about that?_ ', she thought, while her knees started sweating, 'It's been _at least_ 35 seconds since the doorbell rang. We are officially outside of the appropriate time frame you can let a person wait.'

"Lissenup, y'all!", Kylie called out as she stood up and swung her glass in an approximate gesture at them, "I said I wanted to keep that last part PG", here she was interrupted by good-natured boos and more giggles, "but that was only so you'd apppreshate what comes next. Kelly, you're in the top three of my favourite cousins, so when Karly told me you liked men in uniforms, I went n gotchu the best surprise my money could buy. Get comfortable, ladies, 'cause we're getting to the X-rated part of the night!!"

So that didn't sound like cops, but Amy hoped that whoever was on the opposite side was patient enough to wait through that whole speech. Whom that sounded like was another thing entirely - her mind was lagging behind on Kylie's words and she did not fully understand were this was going.

Meanwhile, Kylie marched over to the door, yanked it open with her glass-free hand and yelled, "Aw shit, give it up for the 'Beatsie Boys'!!"

Amy froze. Oh no. It really was the cops.

No no nonoNO. -wait.

Why were their uniforms not up to code? Were all cops usually so fit and giving off the vibe of eligible bachelors? (Stop it, Amy, you're a very happy single!) Also, why would two beat cops carry a boombox if they were indeed here for a noise complaint? And why was everyone so excited and applauding suddenly?

The cops looked at each other, looked at the group, closed the door, set the boombox down, and pressed play. The song was "So Wat Cha Want" by the Beastie Boys, she recognized.

'Ohhhhhh. _That's_ what's going on', she realized, 'I mean, I knew what was going on. Totally. I've seen strippers before, this is not super new to me'. True, she'd ever only seen them on Dateline or in raunchy movies, but...she could play it cool, no big deal. Now, was there some sort of universal stripper protocol with which she could go along? Her mind drew up a blank, so maybe just concentrate very hard on what happened in front of her?

The two men grinned at each other stupidly between trying to keep a straight, supposedly badass face to go along with their poses. Even for a striptease, Amy assumed, they were surprisingly slow to take off their clothes, and twisted and turned to admire themselves instead. She was pretty sure she overheard them compliment each other on their outfits multiple times. The others didn't seem to mind and generously whooped and catcalled them.

" _Dude, we look like real cops! These uniforms are the shiiit!_ ", one of them shout-whispered to the other. He turned down the volume on the boombox and exclaimed, "Ladies, could I get your attention, _please_! Me and my partner here (my partner here and I, Amy corrected in her mind) were just patrolling down the block when we got a call that someone was very", he paused dramatically and winked at Kylie's cousin before he concluded, "Naugh-tey!!"

The room erupted.

"Ladies, you have the right to remain sexy. Everything you say can and will be held against you. And we will hold it against you, alright", the other chimed in and smirked lecherously. He took off his hat and slowly ran his hand over his close-cropped hair. Then he flung the hat into a corner of the room, bit his lip and ran both his hands back down to his abs. He finally hooked them into his belt and shot all of them a look that could only be described as 'smoldering'.

Huh.

Even though these guys seemed to be a hair's width away from being amateurs, they knew exactly what they were doing. At least this one.

Well, alright. If he kept this up, and she got a lot more drunk, then she would probably admit that he was kinda hot. And if he somehow incorporated a binder in his routine then maybe she could see herself getting turned on a little. Ok, and his hands where nice, she guessed. Four-Drink Amy would comfortably ogle this guy.

If they ever were to date, he could make a passable boyfriend ('What is wrong with you? You can handle being single! Don't be such a desperate cliché. I expected better of you', she interrupted herself).

So she actually enjoyed that there was a an actual, honest-to-god, real-life stripper in the same room as her, no big deal. For once, Kylie did good (Amy would thank her tomorrow).

"Now, I believe you're the one that's getting married tomorrow?", the one with the shorter hair turned and looked at Kelly (didn't strippers have stage names? It felt awkward to refer to him in such an elaborate way; maybe she should ask him some time?). Excited yells met his gaze. His chuckle was enigmatic. "Then I guess we'll have to make the best of tonight, whaddaya say, baby girl? You gonna let us dance for you?"

Oh right, she'd absolutely forgot his partner. She'd focused on the cop thing and the uniform thing and totally disregarded him. When she glanced over to get a real thorough impression of him , her eyes met with his. He grinned at her.

...Nope.

This was bad and totally wrong. This guy was too good looking for a generic white boy. Oh please, everything about him screamed egoistic douchebag. This man had presumably never touched a binder in his _life_. So, no, she wasn't attracted to him. At all. And his hands didn't even look as gentle and strong as Daniel Craig's, ok? They certainly weren't _that_ perfect; possibly only in Amy's personal top five of hands. Gauging from the rest of his appearance, they were likely covered in Doritos dust anyway. Ar hot wings fat. She imagined that she could smell the axe body spray from over here.

When they slept together he was gonna keep his socks on and after that she'd be the 'spicy latina' he'd definitely tell his bros about. That guy probably had a checklist somewhere. Amy shuddered; checklists really didn't deserve the bad name he gave them. She had to keep Four-Drink Amy the hell away from this guy.

So she actually wanted to punch him in his glittery face just because he was in the same room as her, no big deal. This was all thanks to that no good Kylie--

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! Did you enjoy that, yeah? Well, there's more where that came from!"

Wait, what was happening? Apparently she had missed their whole bit with Kelly and now both had considerably fewer clothes on. They were being swarmed by the others, who were sweating and blushing either from alcohol or arousal. She looked at Kylie for guidance, who responded with a happy sigh and mock-fanned herself. At Amy's questioning stare, she scooted over and leaned into her. She had to shout into Amy's ear because the others were still hollering and squealing.

"Dang, these guys are sizzl-ing! They have such good chemish- chemis- hick -try. I wish any of my boyfriends looked at me the way Nose does at Mr. Abs", she stared at the air behind Amy for a good few seconds, "...I don really know what you wanted just now, but I assume you didn enjoy yourself _at all_. Which is too bad, because they were _so good_!", she grinned broadly and flopped onto Amy's lap. She reached out her hand and stroked Amy's cheek; Kylie looked up at her dreamily.

"But I saw the looks you send chicken breast over there so I'm gonna do you a solid, aight? Can't have you sitting here all by yourself all sad n lonely." 

Amy glared down at her. Was she serious?

"Chicken breast because he's so white n not as muscly as Mr. Abs, geddit?", Kylie giggled in response, even though this _clearly_ wasn't the issue here. But before Amy could respond in any kind (dammit, she couldn't focus), Kylie sat up, narrowly avoided Amy's chin and shouted, "Ey yo, you there! Yeah, you! Ima give you 20 extra bucks if you do a lap dance for my friend here! She's super shy but finds you very hot!"

A hush fell over the room. Granted, there were some giggles here and there, but mostly, a hush. Amy would have appreciated a good hush, as always, but now she was the reason for it. All eyes were on her. She couldn't form one single thought like that. Her train of thought screeched to a sudden halt.

"What?? No, Kylie no, none of that is true, stop it, no, ughh, I never agreed to any of this!", she hissed at her friend.

"Oh, you're gonna love this", the stripper said while he cracked his neck, "I'm warmed up and ready to go."

Everyone in the room seemed to hold their breath as he stalked towards Amy. Then, after he successfully navigated the sea of women glued to his every move, he finally stood in front of her. He leaned over her with one hand on the armrest on her side and squinted.

"You look great", he told her.

Amy sneezed in his face.

In retrospective, that probably wasn't the smartest or politest way to get out of an unwanted lap dance, but no one should fault her for that. She was in immediate danger of being danced on and had to come with something fast.

"Ohhhh nooo~", she shouted into the room that was now filled with stunned silence. She hoped no one could hear the fatally over dramatic tone in her voice (she never said she was a good actress, but she counted on the drunkenness of everyone in the room that knew that).

"You don't have dog hair anywhere on you, do you? I'm very-", she sneezed again for good measure, "-allergic. I'm so sorry." She tried an apologetic smile while she feigned to wheeze heavily. Should she get her inhaler or an EpiPen out? She couldn't tell if that was pushing it.

"Well. Charles got us these outfits and he miiight have a couple dogs running around at home but he SWORE that he cleaned them!", the stripper went from awkwardly biting his bottom lip to gesticulating at his partner in desperation. Everyone else finally sprung into action and bombarded her with questions.

"Oh Amy, honey, are you alright?"  
"Do you need anything?"  
"Will it help if I bring my cat instead?"  
"Do you want some water?"  
"Do you wanna drink?"  
"Do you want _lots_ of drinks?"  
"Should I get a blanket?"  
"No, seriously, what about my cat?"  
"Do you still want your lap dance? Or, can I, like, have it?"  
"Shut up, Kimberly, don't be so selfish."  
"You're a shellfish."  
"Am not."  
"Are too."

"Ladies!", the stripper with the shorter hair cut through the chaos, "We had a lot of fun with you, especially you, Kelly my darling. But we think it's best for all of us if we leave now. Kylie, we're gonna sort out the money later, aight? Bye-bye!" He grabbed his partner by the arm, who had picked up all of their clothes and they left.

Amy was both disappointed and relieved that they didn't stay long enough for her to learn any kind of names. How about that? That had went over almost painlessly and now she never had to see the bro cop stripper ever again. Thank god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going in all kinds of directions, I hope you like them :) (I'm a hoe for tangents)  
> At least I could save that weird PG line...I hope  
> God it's so hard to translate the way they'd pronounce something on the show into written dialogue. plus it'd be 100% easier if I could be like: 'and then she did this adorable thing with her face, you know the one, from that scene where...." etc  
> Amy's thoughts about Jake are basically inspired by Melissa's thoughts about her husband before they got together  
> I'd really appreciate your feedback!  
> Have a lovely day~


	3. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still havent figured out the timeline quite yet. I just really wanted them to all use flip phones in this chapter  
> everything I know for sure is that it's about 7-8 years ago and that everyones chracter is basically their sason 1 self but worse bc I'm excited about character building  
> speaking of, what do you think about the style of this chapter? I didn't want to break up my cool made-up messaging format to tell you something about anything  
> (also, how does your time system work? I'm so confused)  
> .......enjoy and have a nice day~

>4 new messages

from **Jake** at 11:34 pm:  
Boyle the gig was awesome!!  
The uniforms are sweet you  
should of seen how good  
Stevie looked!!!

from **Jake** at 11:37 pm:  
But did you really wash them?  
One girl with dog allergies  
sneezed all over me :,( Tell  
Jason hes a naughty boy

from **Jake** at 11:38 pm:  
No wait thats gross

from **Jake** at 11:43 pm:  
Anywhoozle we stopped the  
performance so you dont  
need to pick me up Ill stay  
over at Stevies!!!!

>send new message

to **Jake** at 11:44 pm:  
Jake you can't just run off in  
the middle of a performance.  
Terry will be so angry with  
you two. And I didn't even have  
the uniforms at home.

to **Jake** at 11:45 pm:  
I had them dry-cleaned. They  
should be so clean you could  
eat them out.

from **Jake** at 11:51 pm:  
Charles thats not how that  
saying goes buddy XD  
plus who cares what Terry thinks  
Stevie made the right call

to **Jake** at 11:52 pm:  
Jake you know I think you are  
a genius and a flawless,  
infallible hero, right?

from **Jake** at 12:06 am:  
Go on

to **Jake** at 12:07 am:  
But what the hell are you  
thinking going home with  
Stevie?! That guy is bad news.

to **Jake** at 12:08 am:  
He'll never see you the same  
way, you're only playing  
yourself. You deserve better.

to **Jake** at 12:09 am:  
Just, please promise me you  
won't sleep with him okay?  
That will only make it worse.

to **Jake** at 12:36 am:  
Jake???

to **Jake** at 12:47 am:  
Jakey, no!

from **Jake** at 1:21 am:  
oops. ..too late..

to **Jake** at 1:22 am:  
I'm going to bed. We will  
talk about this later.

 

1 new message

from **Jake** at 10:16 am:  
Charles can you come get me?  
Stevie already left for work  
and he forgot that I was still  
here that silly goose XD

>send new message

to **Jake** :  
Hmmm?? So what do you  
know? Your boyfriend doesn't  
care for you?? What a  
surprise!!!

>delete message?  
  >Yes No

to **Jake** at 10:18 am:  
Allright, I'll be there in ten.  
Have you had breakfast yet?  
I'll bring you some pancakes.


	4. Surprise

These were the facts: there was another bachelorette party. This time, it was for Kimberly. It was a small get-together with family and friends. A not too pricey restaurant and movies and drinks afterwards.

"Just us girls", Kylie had told her the day before. "They like you now." "There will be no surprises this time", she had said (as if the invitation wasn't surprise enough. Only 26 hours in advance? What were they, cave people? How was she supposed to prepare?)

But Kylie was persistent and so they went.

Movie nights were easy for Amy. It's acceptable to be quiet for extended periods of time, there's a clear conversational topic, there's free food and drinks. As long as she could keep quiet with the fun facts she would otherwise blurt out, no one would be bored with her. (Although why no one was interested in the assassination of Róbert Remiáš or Helvetica's variants, clones and derivatives was a mystery to her. They were related to the movie and were highly informative! What more could you ask from her?!)

They had settled on a Star Wars marathon and were currently in the midst of a spectacular drinking game. It had been Kylie's idea. Of course.

The rules were ever changing and seemingly designed to get Amy drunk faster than anybody else. She was winning, actually, if you counted having to take less sips of your drink as winning, but she was such a lightweight. On the other hand, it was Kylie, so really, it was anybody's guess. Who knew what that cunning woman had in mind.

She was past tipsy way too soon. There were a few too many sips involved and the "quiet" part of her don't-annoy-anyone-plan was done for. "A few too many" equaled two drinks, in this case. She wasn't surprised.

Better to stop with the alcohol altogether and try to not embarrass herself. These people knew her as a spacey drunk and that was already too much. Shouldn't surprise them with a suddenly yelling trivia machine.

"There's always a bigger fish", Qui-Gon said on screen.

The whale shark (Rhincodon typus) is a slow-moving filter-feeding shark and the largest known extant fish species, her mind helpfully supplied. Oh no. It had begun.

Amy grabbed a bowl of chips and started shoving them in her mouth frantically. The urge to educate was there, but at what cost. Hopefully, she wouldn't be able to speak, much less shout while she ate.

Soon, the bowl was empty and her mouth dry from the salt. She certainly wouldn't touch her drink again, but there was nothing else for her here. She needed another strategy.

"Guys, I'm gonna go in the kitchen and find something else to drink. Anyone want something?!"

"Amy, you don't gotta scream, the volume isn't that high, sheesh ...but maybe a coke? And some ice, while you're at it. Thank youuuu~", Karly responded. She took the remote and lowered the volume, just in case.

"Oh yeah, Amy, while you're up, could you bring me some water maybe? Or just surprise me", Kylie asked.

"And check whatever's left in the fridge, alright?", Kimberly added.

"Nothing for me, but thanks, Amy!" That was Kathy.

Amy fled to the kitchen before anyone else could order and closed the door behind herself. She sunk against it and sighed deeply. "That was close!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, I'm trying to get into a weekly update groove here but...  
> this is all you're gonna get this week :|  
> I know where I'm headed, but it will take some time. Hopefully I can give you some Quality Content as soon as I befriended Amy and Jake  
> Next up: Amy and Jake meet again, this time she is very loud and does not want a lap dance no sir, no no no.  
> Anyway. Feedback is always appreciated and I hope y'all have a nice day :)


	5. 2 Meet 2 Cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy, writing sure is weird! still getting a feel for the medium  
> I really wanted to get this out today bc I wanted to be done with it...  
> so please, PLEASe tell me if you find any mistakes ok? (some of them are deliberate tho)  
> THANK YOU to everyone who commented! I love you I still can't belive real actual people look at this fic :) :) :)  
> I've thought abt switching to a bi-weekly schedule to give me more time and bc it has the word 'bi' in it and how cool is that?  
> have a nice day y'all :)

Phew, well that was about as much excitement as she could take for one evening. She should try to sober up and get out of here as fast as possible. She wasn't feeling well.

On the other hand...

Maybe she _could_ pull this off. After all, she was a highly accomplished woman and her future talent for social interaction needed a good, real-life foundation. How was she gonna order around her many employees when she shied away from confrontation?

This was a chance, it wasn't a threat. A chance, not a threat. A chance.

"Pull yourself together, Amy! This is exactly what you needed to grow as a woman and an aspiring politician! You're gonna go in there and you're gonna charm the pants off of them like a you're a cool Cuban Hermione!  
...shit, you gotta keep it down, we don't want them to lose all hearing. Oh, this would be the perfect opportunity to practice my ASL-- Oh no. Don't get distracted. There is a clear task at hand, focus on that, Amy!", she thought.

First things first, get rid of loud Amy. Muted through the door, she could hear the opening fanfare of the next part. They were occupied, good. That meant she still had time.

She stumbled over to the counter. She hadn't bothered to turn on the lights and now grabbed around aimlessly until she found a clean glass. She patiently drank two glasses of tap water.

For a second, she was distracted by the moonlight that came through the window. The room was tinted in inky blues and blacks with serene streaks of silver running through it. When was the last time she had seen such a beautiful night sky?

Maybe on the evening of a date with her last boyfriend, Luke. Actually, it had been their last date, too. She had broken up with him the very next day, because she wanted to focus on her career (as she told him to his face) and because he had been dull and lifeless (as she admitted to herself privately). That had been ages ago.

She knew that she didn't need a relationship to be successful, she could do that all on her own. If she started dating someone, it wouldn't be for the sake of being with someone, but because they met all her standards.

She was confident in her decision to stay alone and yet...

Great. Now she'd done a full 360 from freaking out because she was too drunk, to enjoying the moment, to freaking out because she was single again. Better to get back to her more imminent problems.

Right. Now that she'd adequately taken care of the dehydration, she could either eat or find something helpful in her handbag. She couldn't quite remember what she'd packed, but she trusted sober Amy. That girl was a dork, but she was meticulous in these things.

So, handbag it was. There was a hallway running through the apartment. The kitchen was near the end of it, where there was a huge old coat rack where everyone had put their things. Thank god for ubiquitous doors. She didn't even have to go through the living room to get there. No need to see people again just yet. She hadn't even prepared the drinks they'd asked for. What would that look like?

Amy turned around and put her ear to the door that separated her from the others. No impatient cries, no thirsty yells, nothing out of the ordinary (for a bachelorette party). With three strides she reached the door to the hallway and slipped through.

Handbag, handbag, where was - there! Under a pile of coats and jackets, there it was. She'd recognize that cool, vintage fabric everywhere. She rummaged through it, all the while hoping nobody else came and needed something, because this could take a while.

Her handbag wasn't necessarily messy (she had a strict system for everything that went in there, thank you very much), it was just maybe too full. Maybe.

Tissues, wallet, phone, charger, a binder from work, Ipod, charger, chewing gum, cigarettes, some extra money, a backup charger for her phone, and finally, with her arm shoulder-deep in the bag her fingertips barely scraping the bottom, she got a hold of her secondary first-aid kit. She liked to call it that, but really, it just sounded way more professional than "a bunch of over-the-counter meds in a zip-lock plastic bag that might come in handy one day".

"Gotcha!", she shouted and immediately clamped a hand over her mouth. (Her bag landed on the pile of jackets with a soft "plumf~") Her eyes darted up and down the hallway, but nobody came out to see. She let out a nervous chuckle and flitted back into the kitchen. 

_________

"No idea whats takin Amy so long but its whatevs, I can wait", Kelly said at that moment, just loud enough over the movie. The whole family was comfortably spread out over the couches, armchairs and cushions in the living room. It was the first time since Amy had left that anyone said something.

"That poor girl seemed so worried", Kathy said.

"Nah, chill about that. She does that a lot. Amy's fine", Kylie responded.

"Damn right she's fine, have you seen her face? She's so pretty...like, uh, like a grown-up Cuban Hermione or I dunno... how is she still single, that's a goddamn tragesty right there", said Karly.

Hums of agreement answered her and they continued to watch the movie in silence. Everyone settled back into their seats and snuggled deeper under their blankets. It was only half past eleven, but they were close to drifting off already.

Suddenly, Kylie sprang up. She stood in front of the tv. Her one hand on her hip, the other held her drink off to her side. Slow grumbles greeted her and a few hands made swatting gestures in her general direction.

"Who wants to continue to watch this movie? Raise your hands "

More mutters, a few hands were raised.

"Noo! You will fall asleep in no time! That's not how this party should end. Kimberly, darling. Your un-married life should go out with a bang! Now, I know that y'all really liked them last time-", a few heads perked up here and there, "so I thought 'why not don't fall asleep and have them over again this time instead' and really, Kimberly, you deserve this, girl, I love you", Kylie blew her a quick kiss with the hand that held her drink and gestured for all of them to stand up.

"So if I ask you again: Do you want to continue to watch this movie? Or see some hot boys take off their clothes for you? Then what do you say?! That's right, Strip-pers! Strip-pers! Strip-pers!", she started to lead them in a chant and jumped around the room, getting everybody pumped up. They cheered enthusiastically, the thoughts of sleep and a warm bed forgotten. Eventually she hopped onto the small table that held all their snacks earlier and basked in her cousins' newfound energy.

She turned off the tv and motioned for all of them to sit down again.

"Now. I see your growing anticipation and I can't have you wait too much longer, so here they are!", she ran over to the door to the hallway and then the front door and finally shouted, "The one, the only, the infamously fabulous Beatsie Boys!" There was a flourish and a courtesy involved and she still managed to somehow not spill a single drop of her drink.

_________

Jake and Stevie had tried a few cool poses while they waited in the hallway in front of the apartment. They finally settled on finger guns (not the dorky ones, the cool ones, like your holding a real gun) and matching blue steels while they leaned on the door frame as if they were taking cover in search of a perp. ('Perp' was police slang for 'perpetrator'.) They had to watch a lot of Law & Order to get this down pat. This was so cool! They were like real cops! 

The door opened and they were met with wild cheers and whistling. A small woman ushered them into the living room - and that's right, she was Kylie, they'd met once before at a bachelorette party and talked over the phone a few times.

He glanced at the sea of faces before him and recognized none of them. It was usually helpful to play off of some sort of connection to their customers, Terry had explained to him. It made them feel special. And that meant more money for him.

But alas (a word Charles had taught him for a gig a while back), he didn't remember any of them. True, he'd met them all once before, but he'd seen literal millions, if not dozens of people since then. If only they'd stayed longer the last time...

And really, it hadn't been his fault she sneezed!

It was Boyle's!

Speaking of, where _was_ that girl who sneezed on him? Ever since Kylie called them back to ask for another bachelorette party special, he'd wondered if he was going to see her again.

Hm, he couldn't find her anywhere. Why did he feel so weirdly disappointed? Hah, no idea!

_________

They were getting louder again, nearly raucous. Amy feared it was because of her. Or was it about the movie?

She'd done everything she could to sober up, now she just had to wait. Guess she was stuck with loud Amy for a while after all.

She grabbed the things the others had asked for (she had an exquisitely trained memory, even when drunk), organized them on a tablet and went into the living room.

She was careful to keep a close eye on the drinks, because she had filled them to the brim to make up for all the time she hid in the kitchen. She was completely surprised when she looked up and two familiar shirtless men stood in front of her. Everybody fell silent and stopped in their tracks.

"Oh hey, Amy! Surprise! We stopped the marathon an' now those guys are here! Sucks that you missed it, but they were on FIRE just now! So. Hot.", Kylie exclaimed.

"So hot. Soo hot", the others agreed under their breaths.

"But! It's so good that you're here now. We can finally re-do that last time! I still have enough money left for at least like ten lap dances. My treat Amy", Kylie said, "This is such a good idea, it'll be fun!"

"So, like they explained just now, Officer Chillin here is ready to take requests from any of you ladies, but you", she held out her hand for the other and he grabbed it swiftly, "you have to dance for Amy first."

This was such a bad idea, it would be horrible.

Amy tried very hard not to shout, so she didn't say anything - growing as a woman, remember? Embrace your uncomfort zone.

She was a deer in the headlights as Kylie came over with the stripper (he looks still as smug and punchable as last time), took the drinks on the tablet in one hand and gave out the food to onlooking cousins, maneuvered Amy to sit down in a couch and twirled the stripper so he stood right in front of her. She let go of his hand and gave her a thumbs up.

Everyone stared at her, safe for the cousins 'Officer Chillin' currently had his hands all over (was he patting them down sexily? Seriously?). Amy was frozen to her seat as the stripper leaned over her.

Talk about déjà vu.

Oh no. Why did she believe it would be best to never talk about the Incident with Kylie? She could have saved herself so much trouble. She could have told her how much she didn't like the idea then and how much she wouldn't like a repeat, not matter how cute the stripper-

The stripper came closer and she felt crowded, so crowded in. Goosebumps. The stripper touched her knee.

"NO! I have- I have a boyfriend!", she yelped on instinct. It was amplified by her loud-Amy voice.

It wasn't possible for anyone in the room to be any more still. They looked like surprised statues. It was only a split second reprieve for Amy.

The stripper was the first to react. "And what? He doesn't want you to be here? Doesn't want you to have some fun? You look pretty independent to me. Wink. No one's judging you here", he said, "I can't really wink, so I said it out loud." (It was surprising that he managed to make the situation more awkward, but he did.)

"Stop. I don't want this", she managed in a whisper. What a damn miracle.

He jerked back his hand and bit his lip. "I'm sorry I overstepped", he whispered back. Huh, he seemed to mean that genuinely.

"You have a BOYFRIEND!!", Kylie interrupted. The others joined in, their shouts varied between shock and excitement. Why did /they/ care so much about her relationship status? And great, this meant she definitively had to find some guy to be her boyfriend now. They would never let her live it down if they found out she'd lied.

Kylie stood up, about four drinks in her hands and pouted indignantly.

"Amy freakin Santiago! Why the hell didn'tchu tell me? I'm your best friend! Friends share these things with each other! We were all so worried you were gonna die old and alone (no offense, sweety)", she gestured around wildly, as if she had forgotten about the drinks, "I tried so hard to set you up with someone! I wasted days of my life searching for your soulmate! And now - now! - you found somebody? On your own? I'm so happy for you, I love you, but oh, I didn't realize it was "flush your friend's hard work down the toilet"-day!"

She stopped her rant to look dramatically at her wristwatch and yep, she'd forgotten about the full glasses in her hand, because.

She.

 Spilled.

    All.

   Of.

    Them.

   Over Amy.

  And the stripper.

_________

They'd excused themselves quickly and Kimberly had shown them the bathroom to clean up. The alcohol clung to their clothes and hair and it was sticky on their skin. She smelled it in every breath. At least she was over her loud stage by now.

Amy was glad the stripper had taken the brunt of it and immediately felt guilty. She handed him another towel. They hadn't spoken a single word. Should she apologize? Should she thank him? This had never happened to her.

She looked over to him. He rubbed himself down vigorously, his back turned to her. He was lucky he'd already taken off his shirt. That uniform would've been ruined.

She still felt a little flicker of resentment whenever she looked at him, but he wasn't nearly as horrible as she thought he was. She made her decision.

"Hey, uhm, you? I'm sorry my friend did that to you. She didn't mean to. I guess she was just, excited?", she said.

He turned around and smiled at her. "Well, this happens to me all the time. A 'drink-saster' as we call it in the biz", he told her.

"Really? You have a word for that?"

He bit his lip again (a nervous habit maybe?) and shook his head. "Noo... I made that one up. But you have to admit that it sounds cool, right? Aw man, when I get back to Terry, I'll convince him we use that."

"Who's Terry? Your partner?", she was curious, this was the longest she ever talked to a stripper, might as well learn something.

"Nah, that's Stevie. He's awesome. Terry's just my boss. You would like him, he's built like a football player, but he's such a softie. What a dork." He smiled off into the distance. He seemed less like an jerk with every passing second. Amy relaxed.

"So, you and Stevie, huh? What's going on there?", she teased him.

"We're just partners - I mean, he's my partner, there's nothing- um. Stop grinning!"

"You have it bad for him, right? Listen, the key to a good and healthy relationship is communication. Of course, that's not everything, there is so much more", she gasped and her eyes lit up, "I could prepare you a binder! Sorry if this is too intrusive, but I recently went to a seminar with HR about possible tensions in the workplace and this is perfect!"

He stared at her for a long beat until he grinned and shook his head. "Can't believe you're such a nerd. Calm down, Hermione", he said.

"Well, speaking of, what's your name? You know mine, what should I call you? Can't call you 'the stripper' while we have an in-depth discussion about your relatoinship problems", she asked.

The stripper contemplated her for a second before he saluted her and smiled a bit too brightly.

"I'm Detective Bart Barley, tightly wound, hates violence against animals. Sorry I touched you without your explicit consent. Gotta go now, laterz! No time to talk about my personal life anymore!", he said quickly and jerked open the door, "Oh hey Stevie, what are you doing here?"

Amy peeked over his arm and indeed saw Stevie, who stood there at the other end of the hallway by the coat rack and waved.

"Well I was thinkin, the ladies are getting tired and I made enough money for one evening anyway, you probably want to go home with me and I really gotta pee. Is this the toilet?", he said and came over to them.

"Yup, this is a toilet. That you can use before you go home. With me. You're going home _with_ me. Anyway what was that, Amy? You wanted to show me something in the other room? Lead the way then", Jake said. He raised his head and put on a wide smile before he practically shoved her down the hallway into the kitchen.

"Wow, that was kinda impressive. I don't think you could have made more of a fool out of yourself even if you tried. Shouldn't you be really good at smooth-talking or something?" She felt oddly at ease. Banter with him felt alright and didn't make her anxious at all. Maybe getting drenched in fruity drinks was their version of fighting a troll or something. This guy...this 'Bart' reminded her of Ron in a lot of ways. Such a goofball. She'd think about that at a later date.

"Alright, fine. This emotional stuff isn't that easy and you don't need to remind me of it, okay?", he said with a huff, "At least now I know who I can turn to when things with Stevie don't work out. Wink."

Amy gaped at him. Was Bart really hitting on her right now?

"Uhhh, I mean, you give good advice. Relationship-wise. Obviously that was what I meant. 'If things don't work out with Stevie I'll turn to you for advice' that makes a lot more sense. I mean we just met! We probably won't see each other ever again. We're never going to date, that's ridiculous!"

With that, he ran off into the living room and collected his things and the adoration of the women there, nearly tripped over when he reached the front door, and followed the waiting Stevie out into the hallway. He turned around to wave at them for a last time and left.

Amy crossed her arms. He had been right, though. They were never going to date. He was far too disorganized and she had standards.

What a weird night.


	6. Foundations

"Hi, this is Kylie! Please leave your love confessions and spy messages after the beep. Sorry, that was the funniest thing I could come up with on the spot. Okay, see ya!" 

"Hey, Kylie! Thanks again for bringing me home this morning! And if you call me lightweight one more time , I _swear_ I'm gonna...!

...ugh.

Dammit, I was too loud for my own ears. Why do hangovers have to suck so much? And I was nearly sober at the end of the night. Probably all that alcohol I inhaled _when you spilled all those drinks on me, remember?_ You owe me.

Anyway.

Have you seen my wallet anywhere? Can you remember where it could be? I could swear I still had it with me at Kimberly's apartment and it isn't here, I looked everywhere and you know how well I organize my home.

Once, Mr. Holt commended me in front of everyone at work! Can you believe it? He said, "Santiago, your organizational skills are what everyone in this office should aspire to." It was so cool! I'm telling you, we have a connection.

...Oh no. I'm rambling, aren't I?

So I thought, maybe you could ask around a bit if anyone took my wallet by accident? I really need it back.

And, um, I'm not freaking out over this, by the way. I'm super chill, no worries. Ha ha ha."

_________

"Kylie, I'm freaking out over this! Have you called any of your cousins yet? I really need my wallet! I left my ID badge for work in there. And don't judge me, it was an accident! I technically could get a replacement when I go to work on monday, but then Mr. Holt will be so disappointed in me! I can't risk that! That guy's gonna be my mentor! And all because one of your stupid cousins took my stupid wallet out of stupid bad luck-"

_________

"Ugh, Kylie, finally!"

"Hey, Amy."

"So? Any news? Did anyone find something?"

"Not really. Kimberly roped everyone who was still at her place into looking for it and they nearly took apart her whole furniture, but so far...nothing."

"Oh no."

"But there's hope!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, I made a list of everyone I could ask and I'm working my way through them and I'm only at 'R'. We're gonna find it. I mean, there were only so many people at that party yesterday, one of them has to have it."

"I guess you're right."

"Of course I am. Although, Amy?"

"Yes?"

"You have the whole sunday off, don't you? So could you maybe call the rest? I have a shift in half an hour and I gotta get ready."

"Uhh, okay? Yes. I love...speaking on the phone...with people."

"Amy, I understand. But just treat it like business, ok? You want something from them, you ask them for it. They either have it or they don't. You say goodbye. That's it. Most of my cousins love you no matter what."

"Like business. I can do business. I was _born_ to do business."

"No, you were born to be a nerd but that's beside the point."

"Wha-"

"Hang on, I'll email you the list, okay? Gotta go now nerd, bye-bye!"

"You're as much of a nerd as I am! And I'm not a nerd! Kylie! She hang up."

_________

from: kylie-the-roflcopter@hotmail.com

to: a.santiago@gmail.com

subject: the liiiiissst

What's up, nerd? ;-)  
I attached the list with phone numbers of everyone at the party, their spouses, and siblings  
so you can get the word out (you know me, I'm nothing if not thorough). Don't worry, they  
won't tell your precious Mr. Holt about your heinous screw up. Your secret is safe :-)  
Oh and here is the phone number of one of the strippers. I don't know which one though. I forgot to include it earlier. It's 1-718-468-2697. Go ahead and call them, maybe they know something.  
See? Everything will work out. Don't worry.

XOXO Kylie

attachments: 'this_is_a_scary_virus.doc'

_________

"Yes?"

"Teddy?"

"Amy? Wow, this is unexpected. Everything alright?"

"Uhm, yeah. Totally! I was just wondering if..."

"Amy?"

"Uh, if you would like to get a drink again sometime."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it was really nice to see you again couple of weeks back...and I was thinking. This is so nice, I want to see where it could go."

"Are you asking me out? On a date?"

"Uhm, yes! Yes, this is me asking you out. On a date."

"Oh, ok."

"Oh, ok? "Oh, ok" like "thanks, for the clarification Amy, but I won't go out with you" or "Oh, ok" like-"

"Like yeah, of course I'll go out with you. I would be stupid to tell you no after you asked so nicely."

"Phew, yes, I did, I did ask nicely. So, when are you free? Tomorrow? Does tomorrow work for you? Please say yes, we need to do this as soon as possible, Teddy."

"Why the hurry? Can't get enough of me already, hm?" 

"Yes. Yeah, definitively, that's why. I've got nothing to _hide_. I just, I can't wait to see you. Hahaha!"

"Well, then. Tomorrow is good. On one condition."

"Huh?"

"I get to choose the bar. There's this little place a few blocks down from where I live that serves the best Pilseners around. And I should know, I'm an expert."

"An...expert? On Pilseners? How...very exciting!"

"Great, then it's a date. I'll pick you up at 7, alright? Can't wait to see you, Amy. Bye!"

"Uh, yeah, bye!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think of it?  
> Fun fact: that phone number spells out 1-718-HOT-BOYS I thought that was appropriate. Also I spent far too much time on wikipedia to figure out how your phone numbers work :|  
> Amy totally changes Teddy's name in her phone to 'alibi boyfriend' for a moment just to see how it feels and then changes it back and adds a heart just in case anyone looks at her contacts  
> Happy Holidays to those who celebrate and a happy new year to all of you!  
> May we leave 2016 forever behind and find only joy and happiness in 2017~


	7. Chaotic Neutral

"Terry's Stripping Paradise: We're the Farmers' Market of Strippers. Gina Linetti speaking, how may I help you?", a nasal, wholly uninterested voice said.

"Uhm, yeah, I...", calling the others on Kylie's list had been easy because she knew them, but this felt way above Amy's pay grade. Not exactly a normal type of conversation to have. Best to get to the point directly.

"What do you mean "Farmer's Market"? Is that honestly your official tag line?", she asked.

"Nah, I made that one up. It's certainly better than what Terry wants me to say", came the nonchalant reply, "Terry puts an emphasis on both customer service and a healthy and safe work environment for his employees. You wouldn't believe how many hipster regulars we have who want to "support small local businesses". And I'm like, get a life losers, we all know why you're paying us. But it just goes to show: I'm a marketing genius."

Amy was speechless. If their secretary always talked so much on the phone, it was a miracle that they made any profit at all.

"Though, maybe if he asks I'll change it back. I just can't say no to that mountain of muscles..."

"Uh, maybe you shouldn't change it in the first place? Your boss probably ordered you to say what he came up with, you can't just go against that", Amy said. She tried to keep the anger out of her voice. The gall, the audacity this woman had!

"Huh, well that's where you're wrooong. Honestly? Terry is lucky he has me. I have so much potential I could be President by 2016, or be a judge on the Voice, or replace Britney Spears indefinitely. So how 'bout you don't tell me how to do my work and I don't hang up on you right now?" Her confidence was seriously off-putting. Amy took a deep breath. She could get through this. She would never talk to this woman again and she could use the experience later in life in politics maybe. It was all about knowing how to handle the weirdos.

"Of course. Sorry. That's not why I called. I have a problem and I hoped you could help me?", she said, very calm and very friendly.

It seemed to have appeased the woman on the phone because she didn't say a word. Amy took it more as a 'go on' silence than a 'fuck off' silence and continued.

"My friend Kylie booked a bachelor party with you for yesterday. I'm afraid I lost my wallet. I looked everywhere and called everyone, but I can't find it. So maybe one of your strippers saw something. I'm not accusing anyone. I just want to exhaust all my options before I give up", Amy said. She tried to keep it as short as possible and took a breath between every sentence so she wouldn't freak out again. It worked, mostly.

"Seems like you're in a real pickle, huh? Lemme see how I can help you", the woman's voice dipped in and out of an amused tone, "Hm. So your friend Kylie booked it and the bride was..?"

"Kimberly Fiero"

"And you are?"

"Amy Santiago"

"Alright, just double checking. Can't give out this information willy-nilly, mkay?"

As if she had to tell Amy that. Those were standard HR guidelines!

"Hang on, I see Stevie in the lobby- YO STEVIE YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A LOST WALLET?"

Amy grimaced. The woman hadn't bothered to turn away the phone.

"Uh-huh. Hmm. Well Stevie was with you yesterday and he says he doesn't know nothing 'bout no wallet, sorry, sweetie", she would have sounded sincere if she wasn't so apathetic.

"Wait! What about the other stripper? The nice one with the curly hair? Bart Barley or what his name was? You need to ask him too!", Amy demanded.

"Bart Bar-? Oh I see. Fine. But you have to ask him yourself. I'll give you his phone number, he's not in right now. I'm not playing messenger pigeon for you."

"WhAT? But that's your job!", Amy yelled into her phone, "And what about not just giving out private information? I could be a stalker for all you know. It's your fault if-"

"Not true. My only job is to be fabulous and awe-inspiring in everything I do. This is just a hobby I do for money. Second of all, I have enough experience with stalkers and you don't seem the type. Third of all, your 'Bart' is a good friend and I think he should talk to more people than Stevie and our accountant Charles. And finally, I'm a chaotic neutral, baby. Some people just wanna see the world burn and guess what, I feel kinda chilly right now."

Amy was stunned.

"I don't wanna drag this out any further so I'll text you his number. It's in both of our interests if you call him soon."

"But-", was all Amy could get out before she was interrupted _again_.

"Shhh. Trust me. Too-da-loo!"

Amy sighed. Too soon she got a text message from an unknown number. She skimmed it. It had entirely too many acronyms and lacked any grammatical structure. Sure enough, it was signed with "Gina >:-)"

She hoped this would be all over soon, but frankly, it didn't feel like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rip in pieces Gina, I don't believe you're dead and I'm still holding out for your happy end with Rosa  
> this chapter feels a little rushed but I didn't have the energy/the will to draw it out further  
> and haahaaa can you tell I had no idea what last name to give kylie? so reluctant :|   
> tell me what you think and also THANK YOU to everyone who has commented!!!!!! AAAAAHHHhhhh ilysm <3  
> next up: Ami is finally gonna speak with Jake again. lets see how that goes


	8. Help

Jake woke up with an awful headache. He groaned and turned onto his other side. He tucked himself in tighter. Why was he so cold? He threw out one arm onto the other side of the bed.

Nothing. He moved his arm up until he touched the pillow and then down again as far as he could go. No one there. No Stevie. Well that explained the cold.

He forced his eyes open, unable to fall asleep again and sat up. He rubbed his eyes and stretched. Then he took in his surroundings. There was the familiar mess in the room, which consisted of blankets and clothes strewn everywhere, dirty dishes that hadn't yet made it back into the kitchen, and underneath all that a healthy mix of knickknacks, stuff and garbage. There were Stevie's clothes from yesterday, piled haphazardly on a chair. Hm, he must have taken some of Jake's clothes to go out, because it was too quiet in the apartment. There was no note or text message to tell Jake when he would return. But there _was_ the faint smell of eggs and toast in the air, so Jake had at least that to look forward to for today.

He stretched and yawned. There was nothing much to do today. At least not without Stevie here. Who knew when he'd come back. He could be out until Sunday night and it was only - Jake checked his phone again - a little after two p.m. On a Saturday.

That meant endless possibilities. He was in New York, he was an adult and he had a reasonable amount of money on his several credit cards, so he could do whatever the hell he wanted.

Should he wait for Stevie, though?

Nah, he could have fun on his own.

Gina had to work today (ugh, when did _she_ become so responsible?).

Charles was on a tour through some questionable establishments all around Brooklyn to find the "best latvian head cheeses money can buy, Jake! You can put horseradish or vinegar on them, wanna come with?" Jake did not wanna come with.

That really only left - himself. Wow, what a great experience, he couldn't wait to spend some time on his own once in a while! How exciting. He could go see his mom or sleep some more. Those were great options, wow.

He stood in his kitchen, his blanket like a cape around him as always, and couldn't help it but feel small, weary and alone.

Alright. Everyone had shit days from time to time; where was that food?

He contemplated taking the plate back to bed and watch a movie to start his day (he hadn't watched Alien in, what, a few weeks now?).

His phone rang.

"Unknown number", the screen said.

"Pick it up", his gut said.

"Could be your landlord", his head said.

"Maybe Stevie changed numbers", his heart said.

"I'm very warm and cozy", his bed said.

"Yeah? Hey, hi... who is this?", Jake said as he answered the call.

"Help, I need somebody",the voice on the phone said.

"Help, not just anybody", the voice continued.

"Help, you know I need someone, help!", the voice finished.

"What?", Jake managed.

"Oh no, those were song lyrics, sorry. Anyway, this is Amy from yesterday, remember me? I don't really wanna bother you, but I will."

Hold on, what?

"I lost my purse sometime last evening and I want it back. Nobody else I talked to could help me. If there's any way you can help me, then tell me something true, tell me something true aand those are song lyrics again. Um... please?"

"Wow. No I can't help you."

"What?! But you seemed so nice, ugh, my boss is gonna kill me (actually, he won't, he's too classy for that) but still!"

"No, listen. I don't know how I _can_ help you, but I want to and I'll try."

"For real?", she seemed amazed. As if he ever gave anyone the impression he wasn't anything but a fine, upstanding gentleman, willing to help the distressed.

"For realz real", he nodded, even though she couldn't see it.

"Then... how do we do this?"

"Do- do you wanna come over? If we're gonna come up with a solution for you together, best to talk it out in person. And I swear I'm nothing but a helpful gentleman, I'm not some weird creep who's gonna hurt you. I'm not that strong."

Best to save the situation with a joke; few things are more suspicious than a dude who calls himself a gentleman out loud. Or a not-creep. The only thing worse than that was to call himself a Nice Guy. Surely that would make him seem friendlier. But, ugh, no! This was such a good opportunity to distract himself until Stevie came back. He didn't believe in signs from the universe the way Gina did, but come on, a girl calls him to ask for his help _just_ as he was about to mope about Stevie? Sure, this girl wasn't cool like Stevie, or funny like Stevie, or--

"Yeah well, that much is obvious", Amy said like it was nothing. Like she didn't just save him from going down that particular rabbit hole.

"Hey! You were supposed to tell me "Oh, of course you're strong. I have seen your many muscles and I just can't control myself around y--"

"Watch it."

"-ou. I just have to arm-wrestle you to show off my toughness."

"Hm, that _does_ sound like me. Bet you 5 dollars I'd win. I've seen your noodle arms." She scoffed. He could still almost _hear_ her grin though.

"Then it's settled. I'm gonna text you my address real quick. You can come here by yourself, right? I ain't gonna come get you. Alright, byye!"

Jake hung up. Finally something exciting happened! And he didn't think of Stevie one time!

...maybe he should clean up a bit.

____

A few miles away, Amy looked at her phone in bewilderment.

"I still don't know his real name", she muttered.

"Bart Barley, yeah right."

Five Minutes later, she stood on the street, ready and prepared. She had texted Kylie what she was wearing and where she was headed, a can of mace in her bag, some money in a back-up wallet and, after some consideration, a pocketknife she slid into the front pocket of her jeans (it was a custom-made model Rosa had gotten her within a week of meeting her. "This is as big as you're legally allowed to carry one, but make sure you use it when nobody is looking. Or when it's the last thing they'll ever see"). It was the kind of scary she needed right now.

She was a woman on a mission and nothing would stop her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow just. wow. I finally did it guys.  
> this thing is a dozen different ideas in a trench coat, I just dont want to edit it any more (maybe I will someday in the future but this chapter is taunting me rn)  
> a few notes:  
> -the whole reason Jake didn't become a cop is bc he saw Alien first. I couldn't find a better late 80s action movie with a female lead but thats it. he watched die hard maybe once but it didn't have this lasting effect on him. he probably just went dancing with gina a lot and figured sexy dancing as a job pays the bills as well as anything  
> -also very not sure w/ the timeline rn. I think I fucked up but I dont know how........  
> -we're getting closer to a peraltiago friendship. they're gonna be amateur-detecting all weekend  
> -I dislike how dependent on Stevie I made Jake... but alas it had to be
> 
> alright. I hope yall have a nice day, don't let things get you down and I love you so much :)


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